As I start this topic on depression let me state up front that I am NOT a psychiatrist, a psychologist or a doctor. I am just a fellow sufferer. If you are feeling you have depression please see your doctor (G.P.) and they will refer you to other mental health professionals. You can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia. My journey with mental health goes back a long way. I was first diagnosed with depression at 13, severe depression at 15 and since then the diagnosis changed to bipolar and now to what I believe is the correct diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. All have depression as part of symptoms. I also want to say that I see no shame or stigma in having a mental health issue. I cannot separate myself from mental health any more successfully than I could separate ownership of my right leg. It is just part of who I am. Do I love it, no. Do I want it, no. I have to live with it the same as I have to live with my height, eye colour or skin colour. I think mental health is like heart health. By this I mean we all have a heart but not all of us have heart health issues in the same way that we all have mental health not all of us have mental health issues. WHAT IS DEPRESSION TO ME? Well, this is a tricky question because each person that suffers from this insidious illness will describe it differently. The way that I describe it is like a thick black fog. This fog is devoid of light, hope, peace, joy, love. It is like a blackness that descends on me without warning. There is no cause for it. So many times well meaning friends will ask me what caused my depression. These people live in a world of cause and effect. I guess it is the world of equal and opposite reactions but with depression this is not the case because it is like someone just flicks a switch from light to darkness and back again. For me depression can last an hour or two, ten hours, ten days there is no way of knowing how long it will last. I get completely overwhelmed by it. There are times that I cannot get out of bed let along out of the house. When I am in the grip of this black fog I give up caring and life. Yes, you can be disabled by your depression that is why the logo for this blog is "Not Every Disability Is Visible". DEPRESSION Vs SADNESS or UNHAPPINESS On of the things that really gets to me is when I hear people who don't have depression say they are feeling depressed when what they are feeling is unhappy or sad. Depression is made of many things it is not just feeling blue. In my experience depression is made up of many things. Within depression there is: fear, anxiety, self hate or loathing, sadness, anxiety, panic and a blackness that is just indescribable. There are so many emotions and thoughts flooding over me. It is like being in an ocean of emotion and not being able to stand up against the waves that pound onto me. It is not just a matter of cheer up or don't worry it may never happen because it already is happening. If you are just feeling blue or unhappy or sad please don't say you are depressed because that is like saying you have a brain tumour when all you have is a headache! I don't know if I have helped anyone understand depression or even aided the cause of those who suffer from this terrible illness and that is what it is and illness. I don't think that I am anyone special or that I have all the answers because the more I live with this illness the more it baffles me. I just hope that I have helped you understand a little more clearly something about depression or if you have it maybe by reading this you will be able to talk about your illness a little more. If you are feeling like you want to self harm please see your doctor (G.P.) and they will refer you to other mental health professionals. You can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 in Australia. Since I have never had a blog before I am not sure what I am meant to post so I am just playing it by ear. So I thought that I would tell you about my mixed bag of a day. Just so we can locate this day in the continuing timeline of the world here in Sydney it is the 8th of July 2015. I started today by posting this image into one of the groups that I am a member of on FB. This particular group is one that is for people with mental health issues. I am trying to be more positive in life and also encourage others. When I was young I was once asked, "if I could ask God for any gift what would it be?". I must admit that this question took me by surprise at the time. Was it my place to ask God for specific gifts or talents? After giving the question some thought I prayed my knees off that I would get the gift of encouragement. I would love to be an encourager. I still think of people who have been in my life powerful affect in my life and each one encouraged me to be my best or better. One man, in particular, comes to mind and his name is John Henderson, he has since gone to God but he was a true believer. When I was a punk 18 year old with an earring in my left ear and challenged by people when I first became a Christian about being Gay (which I'm not but it wouldn't bother me if I was). I guess back in the late 70s a skinny scruffy kid sporting an earring who had never been churched before was a culture shock. When I was about to give up on the whole thing John took me under his wing. He was an elder at the Anglican Church at Arcadia. He got me involved in Bible Study that was at his place. Now remember I was only 18 or 19 and I must have been the youngest in the group by 30 years at least. John got me to teach Sunday School, lead Fellowship, took me when he visited new people to the area or other members of the Church. He was a friend, mentor and someone to be relied on. Now, I am not saying that I will ever have the influence on someone like he had on me but I want to be someone who encourages others. My first attempt to encourage people in this group on FB was to post this smile in the sky image. Along with this image I wrote "Hey, I hope you have a day with at least one smiling moment. What is something that you're looking forward to or would make you happy today? If anything good happens please share it here. I could do with some good news stories". I plan to continue this each day. I will let you know how it goes. Later this morning I went to see my psychiatrist. I have never met a psych like him. I see him every 2 weeks or less if I really need it. He is someone I trust totally. Today I talked through the whole problem of wanting to kill myself last Thursday. I could hardly deal with the whole situation. As I said to the good Doctor today I have learnt more about mental health issues in the last 18 months than in the rest of life. In the last 18 months. Prior to this time my life was crap and so if things are rubbish then it is easy to understand depression but now things are good it is much tougher to understand. You see in general I do like my life. I like the house I am in, I am about to start landscaping the backyard. Ok I don't own the house but I believe that I should leave it better than I find it maybe this is part of being Aboriginal. I have the best friends that I have ever had, I go for coffee with most of them. I like my church and of course I love going to SWR. So depression for me is like someone flicks a switch. There is no cause just effect. Which shows that it is an illness pure and simple. After I left the good Doctor I went into the village and found an op show. I am not one who normally frequents op shops but I am sure glad that I poked around this one. I really wanted a warm jacket because of the winter cold we are having at the moment. I didn't find a winter jacket but I did find a double breasted blazer that is navy blue and fits me perfectly. It was only a few dollars. This will come in very handy when I do the talks to community groups. I just don't want to embarrass mindDog in anyway and I feel that if I look shabby then it will reflect badly on them. Now I just need better shoes. It will all come together soon. Well that was today or part of it. If I spent part of today with you thank you for your time, love and friendship. Hello and welcome to my blog. To be honest I have never had a blog before but I have been greatly encouraged to start blogging by people on my Facebook page who liked some of my posts and thought it would be a good idea to do this. That is a long winded way of saying others said to do this so I am doing it. The reason that I have called this blog the Boy In A Bubble is because that is kind of how I live my life. I live with: schizoaffective disorder; agoraphobia; paranoid delusions; anxiety and panic attacks. Not every disability is visible. I have the world's best service dog (officially he is an Assistance Dog) Buddy is the best. He is getting certified through mindDog. If you are looking for them online then go to www.minddog.org.au they are fantastic. Without Buddy I cannot even go to my mailbox let alone out into public places. My life has changed so much since he has come into my life. For those who like to know the details... Buddy is a Cavoodle which means that he is a combination of Cavalier King Charles spaniel and Poodle parents. I did not ever meet his parents as he came from the Hawkesbury Animal Shelter at Windsor N.S.W. So he is a rescue. Buddy is so perfect for me. I am amazed by how much I love this guy which is a good thing since we spend 24/7 together. Buddy has been with me on trains and gosh I hate public transport, to... the shops, cafés, the Sydney Opera House, hospitals, bush walks and anywhere I go. I do some talks to community groups about mental health issues (my mental health issues), mindDog and Buddy. Come on who wouldn't want to talk about this amazing guy. Trust me if you stay with this blog you will be seeing more of Buddy. I am also a Christian and go to an Anglican church. Faith is a major part of my life. While I do not believe that this blog will become a religious one but it would be impossible for me not to view the world through this world view. I mention to be completely up front and honest. I am into various hobbies and interests. Among these include photography, knitting (yes I am a male who knits...), spin fibre into yarn and community radio. The radio station that I am involved with is SWR FM 99.9 the station can be found online at www.swrfm.org or on Facebook www.facebook.com/swrfm999 you should check it out. Well that it is about me. Thank you for dropping by and checking out my blog. I hope you will come back again soon. |